I know a lot of you are new to this. More than a few of you are those irritating fucknuts who show up at protests thinking you're all the rage because you are such an awesome hipster with ideals. But really, you're all morons. So take this little bit of advice from someone who has spent more time at demonstrations and protests than most of you baristas and internet bloggers combined, mmkay? We've compiled a list of guidelines that you'd all do well to follow. Please note that the only order is the order these popped into my head.
1. Give respect where respect is earned. The majority of police are not assholes, but like you, part of the 99% trying to earn a living. If they are polite and respectful to you, return that respect. Assholes screaming about ACAB and spray painting cop cars, throwing bricks through windows blah blah blah aren't accomplishing anything other than antagonizing the general public and giving the media something other than the message to talk about. Be respectful to the police when they've earned it.
2. Never, EVER hit a cop. Even if they really deserve it. Even if you hit the officer in self-defense, you will still get blamed for it. Just co-operate. I'm not saying answer all their questions, I'm saying that if it comes down to violence, let them arrest you. You all might see it as a badge of honour to get beat up and arrested by the cops, but trust me, brain injuries and arthritis from broken bones are no fun. Neither is spending a few years in jail for assault on a police officer. You better believe they'll find any excuse to arrest you, so don't give them one.
3. Don't ever let yourself get cornered by the police. Make sure you ALWAYS have a clear exit strategy. Do not let them back you up against a fence. Your job as a protester is to exercise your first amendment rights to free speech. Their job is to do as they're told, and if a certain mayor with a hard on for Wall Street decides their job is to impede your first amendment rights, then that is what they're going to do.
4. Don't let the extreme right wing, or the extreme left wing, or assholes ruin your movement. You've already got Ron Paulites detracting from your message, don't let them do it. Distance yourself from them, and police your own groups. Make sure there is a clear understanding of what will and will not be tolerated. Do not accept violence, racism, or vandalism. They accomplish nothing but distract people from your message and give assholes like faux news something to grasp on too.
5. Avoid any central authority. It's harder to get rid of a group when there's no clear head.
6. Laugh. Laughter is an amazing tool. Most people can't handle it, and there's nothing funnier than watching a cop lose his cool because you laugh at him. Laugh while they arrest you. Stop acting like martyrs and crack jokes til you're blue in the face. I once made a police officer cry by laughing at him until I peed. He couldn't take it any more, got so angry he started to tear up and had to leave the room, and I was still sitting there laughing at my pee on the floor. Don't be afraid to pee yourself either. It's especially irritating if you do it in the back of a cop car. I once heard a story about a guy at a festival covering himself in faeces and chasing after the cops daring them to arrest him. He would charge at them and not a single one could bring themselves to touch him. Bodily fluids are awesome.
7. If you are arrested, do not speak to cops.Do not use your phone call except to contact a coordinator. Set up code names with your coordinator who should NOT be present at the protests. Have them use a throwaway cell phone. Make sure you register your name and phone numbers of who you need contacted if you are arrested. Do not use your coordinator's name during your phone call. Do not, under any circumstances, ever, speak to the police without your lawyer present. Have to pee? Hold it. Hungry? Suck it up. The only words you are to say if arrested are "My name is blah blah blah I would like my lawyer to be present during questioning". Do not lie about your name. Do not show them ID. They are not required to read you your rights until they question you. Anything you say to them before then can still be used against you. Do not say anything. ANYTHING. If you do, you are a moron. Don't even ask for a glass of water. You are deaf and mute until your lawyer shows up. I cannot stress this enough. Say NOTHING. Police can hold you for up to 72 hours before they have to formally press charges. If you say nothing, and give them nothing, you are more likely to be released at the end of those 72 hours than if you start sobbing uncontrollably and telling them your life story. Nothing you say can help you, so say NOTHING.
8. If you are handcuffed, ALWAYS ask the police officer if you are free to leave. If they say no, say nothing. If they say yes, say nothing, and leave. By not asking, and not leaving, you are consenting to their detaining you. There is a difference between being detained and being arrested. An officer can legally detain you for as long as they need to complete an investigation. Detentions are considered voluntary until you formally ask to leave. Again, say nothing, other than "Am I free to leave?" if no, say nothing. If yes, say nothing and leave.
9. If a police officer asks to search your things, or searches your things, say "I do not consent to this search." Doesn't matter if they have a legal right to search you, or you have nothing to hide, say it over and over again. If the search turns out to be unreasonable, then you've already clearly established that you do not consent to the search, thereby invalidating any evidence they may have found against you. Police do not always need a warrant to search you.
10. Don't be an asshole, don't call the cops names, do not be a dick. Do not engage in passive resistance. It just makes you look like a self-obsessed tool without actually accomplishing anything. You are not showing the cop that you don't acknowledge his authority, you're just giving them something else to charge you with (resisting arrest). It isn't a badge of honour to be arrested, it means you were a moron who let yourself get cornered by the police. There is nothing special about you. Trust me, I've been arrested 38 different times in 35 different countries. You are not a martyr or a hero, you are a dumbass who let yourself get cornered by the police. Just cooperate with the police, let them do their job, but do not under any circumstances make it easy and give them information. Again, do not talk to the police. Do not lie, just hand over your wrists with a smirk on your face. Laugh, or have a blank expression. Do not show fear, do not show pride, do not show anger. You are not a beautiful and unique snowflake, you're a dumbass who let yourself get cornered. Once they arrest you, take advantage of the opportunity for a nap, and sleep. You'll be out on the streets again in three days, and back to the adrenaline filled grind. Plus it irritates them when their intimidation tactics don't work. I once handed out daisies to cops in riot gear at a protest. Sure takes away their power when you stick a daisy in their riot shields or blow bubbles at them. Treat the whole thing like a big joke, because it is fun for you, and infuriating for them.
11. Don't be paranoid about agent provocateurs. They're usually pretty easy to spot. If you're a hardcore protester (and I get the feeling most of you aren't), you will learn to recognize the people on the circuit. Usually provocateurs are the ones advocating violence. Don't let yourself get caught up in it. They're usually overzealous. Simply say: "We don't need violence to further our cause" and walk away. Plain and simple. Even if they aren't provocateurs, the point still stands, you don't need violence to further your cause.
Always remember kids, it costs a bank a few hundred dollars to replace a window. It costs the city a few million every day. Eventually, they'll have to listen.
Stay tuned for a guide to protest first aid.
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